Letters to Myself

I thought I was completely healed. I felt my spark coming back, and my world was finally lighting up. But then, the healing journey reminded me of how unpredictable it can be—turning my world upside down all over again.

It started when my ex-crush, who used to bully me back in senior high school, suddenly texted me just to ask how I was doing. At first, my ego flared up; a part of me wanted to be cold and arrogant because the scars from his past behavior still hurt. But instead, I chose to let my guard down. We ended up having a long conversation, and he opened up about how difficult his life has been, sharing that he was recently diagnosed with a mental illness and is now mostly confined to his house. Hearing his story shifted something inside me. Unexpectedly, I felt a release of heavy emotions. I found the strength to truly forgive him, forgive myself, and gently embrace my past.

But healing isn't a straight line. Just last week, I met up with some former colleagues. As we talked, they started comparing generations, and hearing them talk about new rules and structures suddenly triggered a physical reaction in me—my chest tightened, and a wave of nausea washed over me. The very next day, I couldn't pull myself out of bed. The darkness of my depression returned. I spent the entire day just laying there, praying, without even the energy to take a bath.

It took me two full days to emerge from that wave. Even now, my body feels exhausted, and my soul craves solitude. But reality knocks on my door; I know that if I don’t force myself to go back to work, I won’t have the money to treat myself to the lovely food that brings me comfort. Am I tired of riding these endless emotional waves? Of course, I am. But I am slowly learning to be gentle and make peace with this condition. Healing doesn't mean the storm never comes back, it just means learning how to breathe through it.

What are a few things you thought you would never get over while you were going through them?*

There was a time when I truly believed I would never see the light again. My darkness era felt like a permanent sentence. It was a season of crying without reasons, of feeling entirely numb, and watching the world lose all its meaning.

I thought my life was ruined. But looking back today, I realize that the greatest miracle wasn't that the darkness suddenly disappeared. It was that I chose to keep moving through it anyway.

Slowly, piece by piece, life is reclaiming its color. I am finding my light again. If you are currently in your own dark tunnel, please remember: it is okay if you can only see an inch in front of you. Just keep walking. Everything is temporary, and one day, you will look back and thank yourself for holding on.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 140)

What are your greatest accomplishment so far?*

My greatest accomplishment isn't something the world can see or measure. It is the fact that I am finally learning to listen to what my soul is truly saying. For a long time, I was terrified of choosing my own peace. I worried that stepping back made me selfish, but the truth was simpler: my mind and body desperately needed a rest from this loud, busy world.

Today, I am still practicing the art of listening to myself. Understanding what she needs and what she doesn't. Whenever the noise of sudden desires forces me to rush, I pause and ask my heart: “Is this a genuine need, or is it just my nafs?” I know this journey isn't easy, but I am deeply proud of how far I’ve come. Because finally, I am brave enough to choose my well-being over everything else.

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays will Change the Way You Think (p. 140)

I feel like I'm at a point where I don't really know myself, my desires, or my future anymore. Everything feels blurred and mixed together. There are things I desperately want, but I’m terrified of being disappointed again. I am afraid that chasing my dreams might drag me back into that same darkness era I fought so hard to escape.

But at the same time, I know I cannot just stay in my comfort zone. A safe space can be deceptive; it makes me complacent and tricks me into forgetting my dreams, making it feel like everything is already done and there is nothing left to chase.

So here I am, still questioning my life and doubting my choices. Is it wrong? Is it right? I don't always know. But in the midst of the confusion, I have to keep anchoring myself. I have to remind my heavy heart that as long as I am walking on Allah's path, everything will eventually be okay.

You question yourself.

You doubt your life.

You feel miserable some days.

This means you're still open to growth.*

*) Brianna Wiest 101 Essays that will Change the way You Think (p. 45)

Yesterday, right after I got home, a friend texted me out of the blue and asked me to join our school reunion. Without thinking twice, I agreed, got ready, and headed straight to her house so we could go together. Before we left, my mom mentioned that I might run into an old friend from senior high school. He is currently teaching at my old junior high, and my mom still remembers him fondly—he was the only boy who came to visit my father when he was in the hospital.

When we arrived, I didn't even notice him until he approached me first! His eyes lit up with genuine joy when he saw me. It has been almost 8 or 9 years since we last crossed paths. He smiled and greeted me enthusiastically, and we caught up for a moment. He asked what I was up to these days, and I told him that I teach English. Shortly after, I excused myself to go greet some other friends.

I don't know why, but his smile left me feeling so calm. I still remember how back in high school, we used to argue about absolutely everything; he was stubborn, but he was also a great leader. Yet, right beside him, I always felt like I could be completely myself. I don't know his current relationship status, but as far as I know, he hasn't married yet.

Am I falling in love? Is it love at first sight? Wait... after everything I’ve been through in my darkness era, am I really allowed to feel this again? Why does meeting him make me this happy?

My mind is spinning, and I don't fully understand what I'm feeling just yet. But I’ve decided to let it be. If we are destined to be in each other's lives, the universe will always find a way to bring us back together.